Actual Self and Ideal Self

The Versions of Ourselves That We See

Things Learned From…

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The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, by Daniel Pink

The Three Selves

Each time you look in the mirror, you see one person. But if you squint a little harder, you might see three selves. [...]

…we all have an “actual self,” an “ideal self,” and an “ought self.”

Our actual self is the bundle of attributes that we currently possess.

Our ideal self is the self we believe we could be—our hopes, wishes, and dreams.

And our ought self is the self we believe we should be—our duties, commitments, and responsibilities.

What fuels our behavior and directs which goals we pursue…are discrepancies between these three selves.

For instance, if my ideal self is someone who’s healthy and physically fit but my actual self is lethargic and overweight, that gap might motivate me to start exercising.

If my ought self believes in caring for elderly relatives but my actual self hasn’t visited Grandma in six months, I might leave the office early and to Grandmother’s house I will go.

However, when we don’t make these efforts, when a discrepancy persists between who we are and who we could or should be, unpleasant feelings flood the gap.

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Regret About Ideal Self > Regret About Ought Self

…six studies…reached a single conclusion: people regret their failures to live up to their ideal selves more than their failures to live up to their ought selves. Regrets of “coulda” outnumbered regrets of “shoulda” by about three to one.

The likely reason is the contrasting emotional consequences of these two flavors of regret.

Discrepancies between our actual self and our ideal self leave us dejected. But discrepancies between our actual self and our ought self make us agitated—and therefore more likely to act.

We feel a greater sense of urgency about ought-related regrets, so we’re more likely to begin repair work — by undoing past behavior, apologizing to those we’ve wronged, or learning from our mistakes.

“Couldas” bug us longer than “shouldas,” because we end up fixing many of the “shouldas.”

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Opportunities vs. Obligations

Failures to become our ideal selves are failures to pursue opportunities.

Failures to become our ought selves are failures to fulfill obligations.

All four of the core regrets involve opportunity, obligation, or both.

…boldness regrets — If only I’d taken that risk — are entirely about opportunities we didn’t seize.

Foundation regrets — If only I’d done the work — are also largely about opportunities (for education, health, financial well-being) that we didn’t pursue.

Connection regrets — If only I’d reached out — are a mix. They involve opportunities for friendship we didn’t follow through on, as well as obligations to family members and others that we neglected.

Moral regrets — If only I’d done the right thing — are about obligations we didn’t meet. [...]

In the American Regret Project survey, 20-year-olds had equal numbers of action and inaction regrets. But as people grew older, inaction regrets began to dominate. By age 50, inaction regrets were twice as common as action regrets. [...]

Yet they also look for opportunities in different places.

For example, among those ages 30 through 65, regrets about career and finances were most prevalent — likely because, at that stage of life, opportunities were still alive in those realms. But as people aged, they tended to have fewer regrets about education, health, and career — and more regrets about family. [It’s about which opportunity remains open]. [...]

…a wholly realized life involves a mix of both dreams and duties. The photographic negative that regret offers makes clear that being fully human combines our dreams for ourselves and our duties to others.

A life of obligation and no opportunity is crimped. A life of opportunity and no obligation is hollow. A life that fuses opportunity and obligation is true.

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Thanks for reading! Hope you have an outstanding day.

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